CageFright
by A Certain Individual
Summary: How Eowyn's fear of cages eventually lead to the [almost] loss of Helm's Deep.


Cages. Eowyn . . . hated them. She loathed them with a fiery passion. She . . . despised them, and yet, deep within her soul, she was more terrified of them than anything in existence, including huge, bloodshot eyeballs. Her phobia sprang from a single hour in her childhood. She desperately wanted to play Warriors and Orcs with Eomer and his friends, but "girls couldn't play". She kicked up a fuss and got them into trouble.  
  
The next day they acted all friendly towards her, and when she let her guard down . . . BAM!!!! They locked her in a dog carrier and ran away laughing. She was trapped for an hour before humiliation of all humiliations, Grima had stumbled upon her and set her free, in return for . . . . a little something. Eowyn shuddered at the memory. It was the reason she had become a shield maiden, revenge against Grima and Eomer. Grima unfortunately knew all about her fear, and was constantly using it to his advantage. Why, just a few days ago . . . 

* * *

"Leave me alone." 

"Oh, but you are alone, therefore I don't have to leave."

"Damn you and your relentless logic." She realised that she was powerless to remove him from her presence now.

"Eowyn, I am dangerously bored, so I think I'll have to sexually harass you for a little while longer. Oh please please please have sex with me. I'll be your best friend!"

"No means no."

"Fine, have it your way." From out of his pocket, he pulled out a tiny little cage made out of matchsticks. Eowyn screamed and backed into the wall, her eyes fixed on the instrument of torture. Grima sniggered. "I've got about a thousand of these; I stayed up for weeks making them."

"What an interesting life you lead," Eowyn sarcastically snapped, "that's not at all pathetic." Grima's face contorted into something that was even more grotesque.

"You asked for it." And with that he grabbed her roughly . . . . by the wrist, and dragged her through the castle to a room she'd never noticed before.  
  
He shoved her inside, flicked on the light-switch, and slammed the door shut, locking her inside. It took her only a few seconds to realise the decor in the room was a little off. It was filled with cages. Big cages. Little cages. Weirdly shaped cages. Cages made of gold, silver, wood, and even the tiny matchstick cages Grima was so strangely fond of. On the other side of the door, Grima listened with a satisfied smile to the screams coming from what he liked to call 'The Cage Room'. It housed his entire collection of cages, which he had started straight after his gallant and noble rescue of Eowyn . . . .  
  
Meanwhile, back in the present, Eowyn was swishing around a sword, pretending to be Alanna of Trebond, when a handsome rogue stopped her mid- swing.

"You fight good." He said. Eowyn kept her face straight and threatened him with death. She knew a line when she heard one. Alanna of Trebond did not trouble herself with men!  
  
"Hey! You're a shield maiden aren't you? How's that going for you?"

"The training was long and tedious. Now I fear neither pain nor death."

"So what do you fear?" Man, this guy didn't beat around the bush. Should she tell this stranger? True, he was an incredibly gorgeous stranger with rugged good looks, piercing blue eyes, and extremely manly stubble, but he was a stranger nonetheless.

"A cage." She said finally, wondering why she had just bared her only weakness. But as it turned out, she needn't have worried. Terrifying events were lining themselves up in her future anyway.  
  
That night she had the cage nightmare again. She was walking out in a field, when suddenly, she stepped into a bear trap. "A CAGE!" She screeched. "A CAGE AROUND MY FOOT!!" She started limping back to the castle, dragging her trapped foot behind her, when even more suddenly: "ARRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!" She had stepped her good foot into a rabbit hole. "MY FOOT IS TRAPPED!!" She screamed. "MY FOOT IS TRAPPED FOREVER!!!!" Then she was in the town square, in a giant birdcage, watching the town laugh at her, and she realised she wasn't wearing any clothes. That's when she would always wake up, falling off the bed and dripping with sweat.  
  
The next day she was walking alongside of Aragorn on the way to Helm's Deep, politely inquiring into his relationship status.

"So, are you single?"

"How can a guy as devilishly rugged as me be single?"

"I guess you have a point. Completely off the topic, would you ever consider cheating on your beloved?"  
  
But Eowyn never got to hear the answer, for at that very second an empty antique birdcage rolled off the cart ahead of them and coasted itself to Eowyn's feet. Eowyn gasped and stared at it in shock

"A little help?" Said an elderly man who apparently owned the cart. "That cage belonged to my grandmother. She gave it to me on her deathbed. Can you please hand it to me before any harm befalls it?" But Eowyn didn't hear him, for she had already started kicking and stomping on the cage with every bit of strength she could possibly muster.

"Get away from me!" She was shrieking all the while.  
  
Aragorn stared at her. Why were all the pretty ones insane? Eowyn gave the cage one last flying kick. Only it didn't fly anywhere, her foot had got stuck in the door of the cage. She screamed and ran about, frantically waving her arms above her head and ignoring the people gaping at her. 'This is just like my dream.' Was her last coherent thought before everything went black.

* * *

"The cage! It's stuck on my foot! GAH!" She jerked herself awake. Aragorn was sitting beside her. "My foot!" She began. 

"Your foot is perfectly fine," he said, "and the cage is long gone." Eowyn relaxed slightly.

"I hope you didn't take this as a reflection of my abilities as a shield maiden."

"Oh, not at all." Said Aragorn, and he suddenly began discreetly choking into a hanky. Eowyn took in her surroundings.

"We're in Helm's Deep aren't we?" Aragorn nodded.

"We're just inside the gate. All the women and children are being evacuated to deep inside the mountain."

"And you want me to go? But I'm a shield maiden goddammit! I can help!"

"Eowyn, when I want you opinion, I'll give it to you."

"Bitchy!" She spat. "You treat Arwen like this?" But she allowed herself to be led to the line of evacuating people.

* * *

"That's the last one." Said the man behind her as she stepped into a huge, dark room filled to the brim with other haggard looking people. The door slammed behind her, and she could hear the men barricading it from the other side. She turned back to the room, her claustrophobia rising. The walls seemed to be creeping closer and closer together. The dankness choked her. Every wailing infant seemed to be inside her head. She squeezed her eyes shut and started hyperventilating.  
  
"Are you ok?" Asked Ellen. Eowyn said nothing, but turned green as she tried to fight her nausea. "I know what could cheer you up!" Ellen continued, and she rummaged around in her pocket. "I found a trail of these on the way here. They are really rather cute." She held out her hand. In her hand lay a semi-ok conditioned matchstick cage. Eowyn's eyes grew as wide as cartwheels. 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed, and leapt upon the nearest wall, clawing at it with her nails, which in her desperation, were able to penetrate stone. She continued frantically digging until the voices of the others had faded away into nothing, and she was surrounded by darkness.

* * *

Hours later, Aragorn & Co. were just facing the gloomy prospect of dying at the hands of the Uruk-hai army that had just shown up, when suddenly Haldir appeared in all of his golden-haired glory, bringing with him a harem of cloaked elves. 

"We've come to save your ass." He said. Everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief and revelled in the joy of the warrior's bond.  
  
Really unexpectedly, the Uruk-hai started stomping their feet and beating their chests in an attempt at a spontaneous musical.

"These guys are evil, but they sure do have rhythm," said Gimli, as he nodded his head in time with the beat.  
  
20 minutes later . . .  
  
It was everybody save their own ass, and thousands had been killed. Somewhere, amidst the confusion, two weirdoes were busy keeping count of those they had slain, not caring which side the victims were on.

* * *

Back to the heroine: Eowyn gave one final scratch and emerged in the courtyard. She breathed in the fresh air and felt dizzy with the precious freedom she had tunnelled her way out of a mountain using only her nails to get. 

"I'm free! I'm free!" She yelled with delight, ignoring the moans of pain from the dying and injured. Suddenly her eyes narrowed as she caught sight of the last set of bars.  
  
'Through there you'll be completely free.' Her brain taunted. Making up her mind, she began sprinting through the rain towards the bars in the fortress wall. Aragorn spotted her running and screamed for Legolas to kill her, but to no avail. Grabbing the bars in both hands, she tore her way through the storm-water drain and out to the other side of the fortress wall.  
  
"Hmmmmmmm. Perhaps we should have blocked it up." Mused Theoden.  
  
She was out! She was free! She jumped around with happiness until she noticed she was the only thing between the fortress and an army of advancing Uruk-hai. At least she was free . . . . . . .  
  
END!  
  
Disclaimer: No cages were hurt in the making of this story [looks down in dejection] unfortunately.


End file.
